What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
08.06.2025 09:35
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
This is soul school!.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
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She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
Why is it that women are stronger than men nowadays?
Where the ultimate outsiders.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
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Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
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He knew the spot.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
I couldn’t, believe it.
How might an Indian girl respond to someone saying "I love you"?
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
What would happen if the Earth stopped spinning for one minute?
When she asked me how she looked .
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
I was 9 years of age.
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I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
Was to survive, this bastard.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
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We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
Who then, do I blame.?
It was going to be , some day.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
But ive been too sick for many years..
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
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That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
I never cut or harmed myself..
I think the readers, may guess!
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
We were not on the streets..
All the time i was locked up.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
But it wasn’t much.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
I waited trembling.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
She was in good health!
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
My life is so biszare .
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
She married twice! .
She loved him until the end.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
One cannot live in the past .
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
I will be 64.
So, i spoilt her more .
They are buried together, in the same grave..
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
Especially a lifetime of it.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
Im still living with it.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
Ive learnt so much.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
Why did i forgive my father ?
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
So whats the point in blame.
I could never make a relationship work though!
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
Would this be the day?
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
She wouldn,t have been !
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
She found it foreign!.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
This is how, and why children get BPD.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
And i lived it daily.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
I write beautiful poetry .
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
Comes on , in middle age.
But, we were locked up after school.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
I had hoped to write a book about this .
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
I was scared of men, in general
Im dying but, im not bitter.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
We all went to grammer schools
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
I was very sick at this time too.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
(And it was in our own minds.)
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
And who doesn’t know suffering?
He resisted the act ,that day.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
I don,t even have a pension.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
Put me off passion for life!!
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
My family never makes their pension either.
What did i know ?
I was seconnd youngest,
I said to her
As i do to all so called friends.?
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
I have no regrets .
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.